Sometimes it's hard...

There are moments where it’s easy and there are moments where it’s the hardest thing I have ever done.

Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I get so caught up in my life that I forget that they still exist when I am not there. But then it hits me like a train and I remember.

As I read the email my heart dropped. Multiple emotions flooded me as I tried to compose myself. I am reminded of the importance of the moment.

Two more of my beautiful girls are no longer at the village. I read on to find out that my dear friends have succumbed to the culture’s definition of their lives.

I remember tears rolling down my face as I laughed watching Doro try to learn cheerleading.  I remember dancing and singing so loud that the housemothers rushed out to hush us. I remember running across the basketball court as I watched our girls rise up into their incredible potential. I remember praying over them and hopelessly trying to hold back tears as we said “see you soon”.

I should have been there. I should have taken off the semester like I wanted to and I should have been there for them. I should have said more in the moments I had with them. I should have tried harder to speak true identity. I should have fought for them. Oh God protect them.

In a culture that advocates for premature marriage and motherhood, convincing a young girl that she is worth more than a preconceived negotiation is not an easy task.

But I close my eyes and I remember sitting in a room full of young women with eyes glazed over as we spoke the Father’s heart over them. And  I hope that something stuck…

Two more Lord? Two more don’t finish high school. Two more go back to a place that rejected them. Two more that I will probably never see again…

My thoughts have gone back to these two girls so many times over the past few weeks. I can’t shake it. I miss them and I want more for them. I want to see them succeed. I want to go find them and bring them home. I want to be with the other girls who just lost another person in their lives.

Then God whispers…”The story isn’t over. I’m not done yet…and neither are you!”

So I pray and I wage war for my girls. I will stand in the gap even though I am not there physically because I believe in the wonderful plans that God has for my sweet friends. The story is not over!  Join me in praying for the young ladies in Malawi. Pray that they would realize their identity as a daughter of the Most High and that they would stand confident in that even when the culture says otherwise.

Fading Smudges

It's happening. It happens every time and every time the bitter-sweetness of the moment is just as real as the first time.

The smudges are fading... 

The red-ish brown marks of dirty fingers throughout the pages of my Bible are beginning to disappear. Some would think it better for the pages of the Word of God to be clean, while I respect your stance, I disagree. Because when I see the dirty print of one of my Malawian brothers or sisters on one of the pages its like I'm there again, going on a journey of discovering Jesus with them.

 My memory of the red dust begins to fade and I start to forget. I become preoccupied. While yes my beloved family is always on my mind, life happens. But when I see the smudge during my daily reading or in one of my religion classes suddenly life stops and I'm sitting next to Lekelini in Lumbadzi church and she is flipping through the pages of my Bible as fast as she can. She cant seem to find the book fast enough but I don't help because I love what comes next...she finds the book, chapter, and verse and glances towards me to make sure I know she did it by herself. I tell her through our unspoken look just how incredibly proud of her I am! She runs her finger across the words as the service continues leaving a small strike of smudges behind her.

The smudges remind me of the little unmemorable moments that I told myself to never forget. And yet when the smudges are gone the reminders come less. I still remember the big things, its just the daily life moments that I miss. The smudges fading is a close to a season. It happens every year the smudges, or what ever the significant memory is (once is was my chaco tan line on my feet), fade away. The moment I can't see them any more is heart breaking. It's the moment of reality. But it is also a moment of great joy. It is seeing the closing of one season to bring in the new one! If the smudges stayed forever I would never be able to move past the past. I would dwell daily on the past moves of God instead of pursuing the present move.  I am so thankful for the smudges in life that remind me of what God has done, but I am also thankful that He allows them to fade so that we can move on. I am beyond excited to see what happens this year as my smudges fade and I watch as God cleanses me to prepare me. But yet I still pray and believe in a God who loves the good smudges and He will allow me to see them when I need to be reminded of what He has done so that I will know He is faithful to do it again...and maybe this time next year the smudges will be giant stains that declare the greatness of a faithful God.

Real World

My heart is full. I spent another 6 weeks with these people I have come to love so dearly and could have spent 100 more. People keep asking about being back in the "real world" and Im not so sure that my American lifestyle is that. I think what is over there is real in more ways then we know how to handle real. Let me share with you a few real things that shook my world this summer. 

This is Josen. He is an incredibly an funny and animated little kid. In the top picture he is sitting with my baby Andrew who just turned 4. Josen is five years old but because of extreme malnutrition he gives the appearance of a 3 year old. Since coming to Mtendere he is growing and learning to be loved. He brings so much joy even though he is still suffering the affects of his former life. Malnutrition is a real problem, and Josen is a real victim and he is really beating the odds and living to grow into a healthy young boy. 

I'm learning that my friendships that I have made in Malawi are real. This summer I learned more from my friends at Mtendere then I could ever teach them. Through many afternoons of hanging out, listening to music, eating "chamanga" (roasted maize), and talking about life, real relationships grew. I hear people point out the differences in our lives so often but when I am there more often then not we are talking about the things we share in common. And those are the things that really matter in life. 

I had the incredible opportunity to watch my malawian brothers and sisters and best friends minister to their community in huge ways this summer. The kids at Mtendere organized trips to local villages where they would hold youth rallies and share the gospel with whoever showed up. They brought gifts and they loved on these kids. God did amazing things and I was able to just witness this. 

As I sat and watched, I began to notice the kids that were showing up for the youth rally. They were dirty, some with runny noses or strange rashes, some were taking care of younger children, many of them with ripped clothing. As I sat with a crowd around me, because many had never seen white people before, I couldn't help but realize the incredible miracle that was occurring. These were our kids...

This was the reality that most of our children knew before they were able to come to Mtendere. My friends were these kids. And now they are able to come and minister and love on these kids. In that moment I was overwhelmingly thankful that my "real world" consists of beautiful relationships with 160 amazing young Malawians that are changing their communities and changing people like me who have the privilege to sit and get to know them. 

A Faithful Answer

Last night I was sitting in the dark in a rocking chair on the porch listening to the sound of the village. The moon was bright as I watched the shadows of movement and tried to listen closely to the small voices sharing secrets in Chichewa. I closed my eyes…God You are faithful…

I have graciously said those four words so many times this year. And He is. He is orchestrating a special move of His Spirit in this place. For the past few months my constant prayer for this place is to see God change the lives of these kids from the inside out and that they would respond by sharing this love with everyone they encounter. I desperately want to see them go deeper and grasp the fullness of joy that comes with dwelling with their Redeemer. The past four days God has shown me how He is answering my prayers, and it has absolutely nothing to do with anything I have done. The kids themselves are leading nightly prayer meetings and sharing their testimonies with each other. They have taken the initiative to organize trips to other surrounding villages to go and pray and minister to teenagers and show them the Father’s Love. God is allowing me to participate and witness what He is doing this place. He is faithful!

In the midst of this sweet moment the battle is raging all the more.  A battle that three years ago I refused to listen for, thinking that if I didn’t listen or look then it didn’t exist. Because the truth was I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to realize the reality that so many of my family came from and was constantly surrounded by. I couldn’t imagine the darkness that infuses so much of this culture and tradition. But God has not called me to ignorance but to war. Prayerfully waging war with the God of the angel armies on my side! So as I sat with my eyes closed listening to the sweet sounds of my kids and the horrific sounds of the battle raging around them…I pray with complete confidence in victory.

I am confident in the Father’s love and I am confident that this place will be a place of prayer, joy, and victory. I am confident that this place will be known as a place defined in Kingdom culture. I am confident in a generation of young Malawian boys and girls who choose to live in the Spirit and refuse to succumb to evil because of tradition. I am confident in a God who is able.  

I close my eyes…God You are faithful!

Family.

So I have sat here for entirely too long trying to come up with the right words to communicate the emotions and experiences of this last week of being home in Malawi, and now Im realizing that there is no way for me to accurately tell of the love I have for this place, the joy I have in this place, and the frustration I feel because of this place. Being back here I am filled with so much joy but also I again notice the reason I come and it frustrates me because these people are no longer a mission to me, they are family. And that fact alone makes it harder and harder. The closer I become to these people the more it hurts to accept the phrase "thats just how things are done in Malawi". But even with my frustration my love goes further. This place is home and these people make my heart so happy.

This past several days have been filled with firsts. I somehow gained the title of dental assistant and found myself helping with extractions and fillings and many other disgusting things. For those who don't know me that well, any kind of medical work is not something that I handle very well. But some how God still used that and let me find my place there. I was able to hold babies for mothers who were getting checked, or hands of those who were afraid of this crazy american who wanted to take out their teeth. God allowed me to thrive in an area that I would have run away from if given the option.

After the team headed out I had the opportunity to go visit some of my best friends who are away at boarding school for a few more weeks. I was so happy to be able to surprise them and spend just a few minutes chatting.  This trip was yet another reminder of our differences, and Im working through the emotions that came with that realization.

Overall this past week and a half has reminded me of my ties to this place and given me hope. I am extremely thankful that no matter how many things make me different from these people, the love and bond that we have in our King breaks down every difference and allows me to find myself sitting a room full of singing children in the pitch black dark and Im able to say "this is my family"!

He is God in EVERY nation!

Every time I go somewhere new I learn something new. Every time I travel to a new culture I come away from it changed and more aware of the faithfulness of God. And yet, I still am surprised when God shows Himself faithful, as if part of me is still expecting Him to let me down.

I just spend 10 days in San Ramon, Costa Rica. While I was excited about the trip, in my mind Costa Rica has been just something else for me to check off my list of "to do's" before I could go to Malawi. But I had no idea just how important that check mark would be.

From the first meeting I knew that the team that God put together for this trip was special. God used these 12 individuals to minister to my heart and to the people of PuraVida Missions and Costa Rica in incredible ways. We all come from drastically different backgrounds and yet the unity we experienced was only possible by the constant dwelling of the Holy Spirit on all we did. Ministry started from the moment we woke up to the moment we went to bed. Not only did I watch this team change the lives of the children we worked with but I watched as not a moment was wasted. It did not matter if we were with the kids or just hanging out the Name of Jesus was being lifted up and ministry was going forth. The love I have for these 12 individuals and the PuraVida Staff is impossible to put into words.

Refreshing.
It was refreshing to see this team be the church and show what the Body of Christ is supposed to look like. It was refreshing to meet Costa Rican believers who are ministering to their own people. It was refreshing to work with an organization that loves people and wants to see a nation changed for the glory of God. It was refreshing to spend 10 days with people who are committed to radically pursuing the heart of God and willingly going wherever He leads. It was refreshing to know that my God was not done revealing Himself to me.

You see, before Costa Rica I thought that Malawi would be the only nation that I loved, that my heart would beat for. I want to go to many places and experience many cultures but I never thought I could love a place the way I love Malawi. While I still have deep roots in Malawi and I still feel called there, I now know what it is like to love many places and many people. Malawi and Costa Rica could not be more different but they both possess something very similar. They both have the attention of a God who is revealing Himself across the nations as the King of Kings and they both have a part of my heart.  When I left Malawi after my first trip I came home with a constant reminder that I was not finished in that place, that same feeling feels my spirit when I think of Costa Rica and the work that God is doing there. I can't wait to partner with my new friends and watch God work in a beautiful country full of people who need to experience the freedom He brings.

I so wish that it was easy to express these feelings, these thoughts, that feel your mind when you return home after a life changing trip. However, all to often words aren't enough. Until you see what I saw, or meet the people I met, or experience the things I experienced it will never really make sense. But Im okay with the crazy looks, Im okay with the confused questions, or even the condescending remarks because I have seen, I have experienced, and I have heard of all God is doing in the nations. So my response is to bring those things back here, to tell you about them, so that even if you don't fully understand maybe just maybe you will be able to realize that there is SO much more out there and that our God is not limited or confined but He is on the move and is changing lives all around this world.

My thoughts are still all over the place as I try to figure out all that God did this past week and all that He is going to continue to do. Im still trying to wrap my mind around that fact that God has placed a new nation before me that I want to return to and that I want to pursue His heart in. Im still wrestling with the hard questions that were brought up and about the new things He showed me. But even in my confused rambling I have an underlying peace that this week was more than just a trip and that He will work it out for me to partner with Him in this nation. And I KNOW that I am more prepared than ever to return to Malawi in 11 days with a refreshed spirit and love for this Man that pursues me wherever I am and allows me to witness the way He pursues others in many different ways. He is good y'all and I am so incredibly thankful that I follow the God who is present in every nation!

Faithfulness

Faithfulness.

A year ago I was approaching graduation, about to leave the only home I had ever known. Leaving this chapter of my life behind was easy in light of the knowledge that only a few days after I crossed that stage I would be back with the people that had become my family the year before in Malawi.  I left for Malawi having committed to go to college but still very reluctant to be obedient.

I knew that God was leading me to SEU but every part of me wanted my ticket to say “one way.” How was I supposed to tell these people goodbye again?

If I had known then what I know now, being obedient to His leading would have been simple. But that is not how it works. He asks you to go into the unknown so that He can be made known to you, and so that you can learn to know yourself in the process.

This is becoming a pattern in my life. God says “go” to a place with no realm of familiarity so that you can become familiar with Me. It’s beautiful really, only I don’t always see it that way in the beginning. I could tell you about nights when all I wanted to do was run in the opposite direction but those nights did not last forever. In fact, those nights seem silly now that I see what He is up to.

This past year has changed everything about me. Relationships, dreams, revelations, dialogue, experience, travel, service, community…things I’ve learned, things I’m still learning.

My testimony is this, that when He asks you to jump, it’s more about the free fall then it is about the landing. And it’s about the realization that finds you half way down when you see He is going to catch you. Its simple, He is reminding me that He is faithful and the sooner I learn that the more effective I can be in the nations.