Faithfulness

Faithfulness.

A year ago I was approaching graduation, about to leave the only home I had ever known. Leaving this chapter of my life behind was easy in light of the knowledge that only a few days after I crossed that stage I would be back with the people that had become my family the year before in Malawi.  I left for Malawi having committed to go to college but still very reluctant to be obedient.

I knew that God was leading me to SEU but every part of me wanted my ticket to say “one way.” How was I supposed to tell these people goodbye again?

If I had known then what I know now, being obedient to His leading would have been simple. But that is not how it works. He asks you to go into the unknown so that He can be made known to you, and so that you can learn to know yourself in the process.

This is becoming a pattern in my life. God says “go” to a place with no realm of familiarity so that you can become familiar with Me. It’s beautiful really, only I don’t always see it that way in the beginning. I could tell you about nights when all I wanted to do was run in the opposite direction but those nights did not last forever. In fact, those nights seem silly now that I see what He is up to.

This past year has changed everything about me. Relationships, dreams, revelations, dialogue, experience, travel, service, community…things I’ve learned, things I’m still learning.

My testimony is this, that when He asks you to jump, it’s more about the free fall then it is about the landing. And it’s about the realization that finds you half way down when you see He is going to catch you. Its simple, He is reminding me that He is faithful and the sooner I learn that the more effective I can be in the nations.

Simple Love Doesn't Wear Pants

I expected God to move in Haiti. I expected to learn from God in Haiti. I expected to find a new revelation of Jesus in Haiti. 

But don't you know that God does much more than we could ever expect or imagine?!?

When we first landed in Haiti and took the 45 minute drive out of Port Au Prince, I was immediately struck by the extreme poverty that surrounded me. Just like everyone else on the bus I round in a sober amazement as I watched people go about their daily life in tents, shacks, and sheds. I thought about their stories. I wondered who they were and why they are where they are now. I thought about that dreadful day just over two years ago and where they were the day their world shook. I asked God to show me how He loves them. But the biggest thing I could not get out of my mind, is that it only took us 1 1/2 hours to fly from Florida to Haiti. I travel for over 24 hours to get to Africa where I see poverty and heartache. But I did not even have to travel half a day before I reached the same poverty and a devastation I have never known. These people are literally our neighbors. They are so close yet we so often turn a blind eye to the circumstances that our neighbors are facing. 

Throughout the week I questioned why I was there. I saw a beautiful nation. I saw amazing people who loved the heart of God. I saw children who needed my affection, and I happily picked them up. But yet I wondered did I only come here to pick up naked children all week? I know that God works through simple things but really? God still had a lot to teach me about simplicity. He choose to teach me this lesson through two very little people who touched me in a very great way. 

It was Wednesday morning. My team and I were working tilling soil in an older gentlemen's yard. We were taking a water break when I was quickly surrounded by the children above. We laughed as we made silly faces at one another and I tried to teach them how to cross their eyes. The older gentlemen came over to talk to me and through a translator he explained that the girl above was his granddaughter. I had no idea what her name was but something about her stuck out to me. The grandfather grabbed her  hand and put it in mine, he pointed to her fingers. On both of her hands she had a little extra finger, something that would be so easily fixed if it were to happen in America. I immediately noticed how embarrassed she was. This little thing mad her different. These two tiny fingers set her apart from all of her friends. 

I continued to play with the kids, desperately trying to get her to smile and laugh with the others. She would not. I tried to make her know that I noticed her. I sat in the middle of all the kids and the only one my heart was burning for was the one who would not smile or speak. I knew that God loved her and wanted her to know. So I continued to sit there. Finally after a while of still no response. I went back to tilling the soil. About five minutes later I walked to get another shovel and the little girl jumped to her feet, her eyes lit up and she ran over to me. I squatted down and she threw her arms around me and whispered some secret in Creole into my ears. Then she darted back to her place against the house. I may never know what she said or what it meant that I sat there for so long without a response, but what I do know is that God's love is as simple as sitting in the heat making funny faces. And I know that she knows she is loved and noticed by not only me but by a Father who says she is fearfully and wonderfully made!

Meet Dolfe. 

Dolfe changed my life. 

Through Dolfe I learned what God's plan was for me and what His heart beats for. 

Dolfe confirmed my call and reminded me of what I want to do with my life. 

Dolfe stole my heart.

The first time we met Dolfe he was sleepy, unresponsive, and sad. The first two days of our trip he hung out with me and my friend Danielle and basically laid on our shoulders as we carried him around. Both of us quickly fell in love and were immediately concerned with this unresponsive baby. We never knew much about him. We did not know where his parents were. Or why he never wore pants. But we fell in love with him all the same. In the middle of a sea of children Dolfe caught my eye. 

One day a women from the village told Danielle that if she loved him so much she could have him because he did not have a father who loved him. This broke our heart. We are not in a position where we could take Dolfe home. If we could have we would have but it was impossible. So we struggled the last two days of the trip knowing that in no time we would have to leave this baby not knowing who would love him. However as the trip went on Dolfe began to open up, allowing us in. He showed us his smile and with it stole our affection. 

God reminded me that Dolfe does have a Father who loves him and takes care of him and will provide for him. During my last few hours with Dolfe God changed my heart and showed me so much about His. 

First I met his mother. She first came to get him. I saw the fear in his eyes as she pulled him away from the crowd. I thought I was going to throw up. I stepped out of the gate holding back my vomit and tears as I watched Dolfe look back at me with those eyes. "That's it" I thought "He is gone and I have no idea what is waiting for him. He looks scared. God please hold him and take care of him" I tried my best to compose myself although everything in me wanted to grab him and take him to the bus and do everything I could to get him away from this women who he seemed to fear. How incredibly wrong I was...

Right as were about to load the bus to leave for the last time I saw him running back over to the crowd with his young mother a few steps behind. I grabbed him and swung him around. Holding back tears I told him that I loved him knowing this would be the last time I would hold him. Then I locked eyes with this young mother. She had to have been my age. Her eyes were sweet and tired. I got a translator to join me as I expressed my love for her son and thanked her for allowing me to play with him that week. She just smiled and looked down at Dolfe. I could tell she loved him. She had nothing to say. But after the translator walked away she tried to tell me something. I speak absolutely no Creole but from what I could understand she was asking if I would be back tomorrow to Leveque. I sadly said no and her eyes dropped to her son. She hung her head and gave me a hug. Then the bus honked. It was time to go. I hugged this precious baby one last time and gave him to the hands of his mother, who I now knew loved him. She was not scary, but she comforted him. As I drove away I saw him cry, but this time it was not a fearful cry but a sad cry. It was sad. But this time instead of me comforting him, his mother was able to. His mother who I know trust is loving her son. Even if she can not provide everything in the world for her son, she does love him and he found comfort in her embrace. 

Dolfe reminded me that God called me to love the ones who seem unloved. He called me to hold the pant-less child and sit with the girl who doesn't smile. Dolfe showed me the power of affection even without words. Through Dolfe God showed me that He does not visit Haiti, He stays there. God would be with Dolfe much longer than I would. All I am called to do is love in obedience for the time I'm allowed. I tried to guard my heart when I went to Haiti. I said that I would not let myself get too attached because I would only be there a few days. Dolfe made me a lier. There was no way that I could be unattached. It would have been disobedience to not let myself love those people. God called me to love them for the short time I was allowed. I was afraid. I was afraid of the feeling that I did feel as I drove away and saw the tears run down his face as I felt them run down mine. But just life Dolfe, I was being held by my Father and comforted. I know now that I was called to Haiti to relearn simple love. A love that holds and protects. A love that spins around in circles just to hear a baby laugh. A love that sweats and hurts. A love that breaks down barriers in four days and creates lasting impressions. A love that heals and teaches. A love that goes deep. A love that doesn't have to wear pants. A love that doesn't have to speak. A love that is powerful and full of hope.

The children of Haiti taught me much more than I could ever have imagined or expected. God is so not limited to our experience, expectation, or imagination. He used the most unlikely children to teach me the simplest of love and oh how thankful I am for that!

Haiti Prep

Surrender.
Oh that word. It seems as if this word has been thrown in my face a million times over the past few months. I thought I had "surrendered", as if it was a one time occurance. On the contrary, it is a decision I have to choose to make every moment of every day. I choose to say "yes" to Him and say "He is more important" to everything else. He doesn't always ask me to say "no", because some of the things I surrender are perfectly good and even part of His plan for me. That is what makes it so difficult. He is teaching me to choose Him, the person of Jesus, over the good things. Over the greatest dreams I have. Over relationships. Over position or opportunities. But the greatest mystery I am learning is that He IS worth it!

He is worth going across the world to bring the hope of His name. He is worth walking across the street to share the glorious story. He is worth moving across the room to meet a stranger (or even a friend) and speak the words to them. He is worth it! That is the simple motivation behind all we do. He is worth it!

As my team and I prepare in our last few days before Haiti, I am convinced that this trip is a whole lot bigger then the 11 of us. This trip is not about what we can do or how many people we can help. This trip is because He is worth it. This week will be solely to bring more glory, more honor, and more worth to His name.

God is going to do big things while we are in Haiti, I have no doubt about it. I really have no idea what to expect but I know this week will change and touch my life in a way that no other experience ever has. Would you be praying over the next week. Our team is going to a dark place and the light we carry is very threatening to that darkness. Would you pray for covering so that we can accomplish all that God has in store for us.

I surrender to this Man. I will go any where, do anything, because I have encountered the One who is worth it.  I would rather pursue this Man than do anything else with my life.

Pray for Haiti March 2-9. Pray for our team and for the believers there.

The Point

What's the point?
I have secretly asked myself this for quite sometime. Why has God given me this call for overseas mission work? What is the point of going through all the trouble of raising money, shots, pills, planes, dangerous adventures, etc. Why is He calling me to a people that I can only be with for a few weeks at a time and spend the rest of the year missing them with everything in me? Why couldn't He have just given me an easy call or a more convenient call. Why Africa? Sometimes it feels like I am just burdened by the heartbreak of a nation that is in such desperate need. In those moments I question, and I find myself asking "What is the point?"

And then I remember this...

This is the face of a child who will know the goodness of the Lord instead of the hell that she was born into. Because of the circumstances surrounding this precious girls birth many in her village thought her to be cursed. She was not wanted and could not be taken care of by anyone in the village. By the grace and divine plan of God she found her way to Mtendere Orphan village where she now has a family, a blessed hope, and a bright future. 

God called me to overseas missions so that beautiful faces like this one could encounter the same blessed hope. Jesus is coming back, He promised He would! However, before He returns ALL nations, tribes, and people will have heard of His amazing grace. Jesus begged His disciples to pray for the "Lord of the Harvest Fields to send forth laborers into the harvest field". I want to usher in the coming of our Lord. I want to see Jesus come back! I believe that God is going to use little ones that have been rescued and redeemed to be a testimony of His goodness to the nations. 

So my call is not easy or convenient but I am willing. I want to see Jesus return and I want to see children redeemed. Over the next few months as I travel to Haiti, Costa Rica, and Malawi my heart is to spread the good news of Christ and illuminate the same Joy of this baby girl, the joy of a child that knows the goodness of the Lord. 

So that is the point. The point is that I wouldn't want to do anything else. The point is that Jesus wants every child to be redeemed. The point is that Jesus is coming back. The point is that I will not be silent because there are little ones that don't have this joy and Jesus is the only one who can bring it. The point is that I would travel any distance, take any shot/pill, go on a million planes, or put myself in any dangerous circumstance just to see the face of a little girl that discovers the goodness of the Lord. That is the point. 

http://vimeo.com/55356927
Check out this video that tells you more about my trip to Haiti and how you can help!

And so it begins...

I stumbled down the familiar path. I could see the gate. I was finally back to the place that had stolen my heart and wreaked my life just a year before. Everything in me was ready to run through the opening and announce "I'm home!" and yet I hesitated for a moment. 

Then suddenly I could hear him again,with his all too familiar annoying whisper "what if they don't remember you? What did you really do that was worth remembering?" 

"No, I refuse to listen to your lies!"

So I walked through the gate...

On June 1, 2011, I found myself somewhere over the Atlantic ocean, heading towards a continent that I had heard a million stories about. Poverty, AIDS, hunger, abandoned children, rape, slavery...these are some pretty heavy problems that I, as a naive, 17 year old, was about to face.  

When I felt God calling me to go to Malawi, Africa I had little idea why. I knew God would use that first summer there in molding me into who He wanted me to be in the future, but I could never have imagined that He would be leading me there to make it my future. 

I fell head over heels in love that first summer. I loved the culture, the landscape, the language, and everyday life. When I describe my time in Malawi the only word that really comes to mind is comfortable. Not because it's in my comfort zone or it's easy, because it is not, in fact it was the first time I had ever been that much out of my comfort zone. But now it's comfortable. You see, the people there are now my family. When I walk into Mtendere, the orphan village that I work with, the kids, mommas, and staff there are my family. I glean wisdom and am taken care of by the mommas, I tease and joke around with my sisters, I am teased by and joked on by my brothers, and I take care of my babies. 

I think the most shocking part of that first summer was the love that I developed there. I have never experienced this kind of love before. It was almost like God gave me His heart for the Malawian people. I loved them as individuals but for the first time ever I experienced a love for them as a people.

My first summer there confirmed God's faithfulness and showed me what love looked like.

This past June I traveled back to this beautiful place. As soon as I walked through the gate into Mtendere, I knew this was my call in life. This place has confirmed so many things to me and I know now that God has much bigger plans for me then I could ever imagine. I spent the next 6 weeks living life with my family. I learned that being a missionary is not all about huge crusades or crazy revival meetings, it's about living and showing the love that I have received to a people group that are desperate for that love.

After 6 weeks I boarded my plane home with tears running down my face and promises of "tiwonana"- I will see you soon. I know that my call for Malawi is much more than just a few summers but despite my arguing God made it extremely clear that it was not time yet. Oh how faithful He is to His word. In August I started my first semester at Southeastern University to study Missional Ministries. God chose SEU for me and I could not be more grateful. The opportunities that God has given me are overwhelming, He is molding me and preparing me for something so much greater than I could ever handle on my own.

I am truly in awe that He would choose me, but He does even when I screw up. Let me just tell you a little bit about how faithful He is. I came to SEU not knowing anyone, all I knew was that God led me here and that they had a great missions program. It would take me all day to tell you about how the past few months there have changed my life and the way I view God's faithfulness.

Over the next semester God has opened up so many doors for training me in His call. I will be traveling with a group of about 15 student leaders to Haiti in March to do relief work, on top of the work we will be doing we will also be focusing on discipleship and training in the evenings. There are several staff members who are coming on this trip for the purpose of training us students in how to lead missions trips and how to be effective leaders. This opportunity is unreal and I can't believe how God led me this trip. But that is not the only missions door God has opened. Before heading back to Malawi in the summer, I have the honor to co-lead a trip to Costa Rica with my dear friend Kat. On this trip we will be working with local pastors, doing community work, and sharing the gospel with the people of Liberia, Costa Rica. God has so many great plans for this next semester and every time I think about them I am just so overwhelmed that He would use me.

As you can imagine my only hesitation with going on three international trips this year is the funds. But God has been incredibly faithful. He is teaching me to trust, and I am so honored to have the experience of watching Him provide in miraculous ways.

This post has been extremely long, sorry! I created this blog so that I can update all my supporters, family, and friends as I enter into this journey with my Creator as I begin to surrender my feet to Him, and go wherever He leads.